Today was a roller coaster. Partly because I was exhausted (some combination of my babies had be up a lot during the night last night) and partly because the weight of this whole experience is weighing heavy on all of us right now. When I found myself crying in the parking lot of Wal-Mart, I realized the ride had gone off the tracks.
After a lazy morning, the girls went to school and P and I hung out at home. He napped and I did laundry. I had a long list of errands that I needed to run after I picked up the girls. One stop was for groceries. The kids and I did that first. We reached the second aisle when Lilly needed to go to the bathroom. So, we all went up front to the bathroom. Because I'm by myself a lot with them, I've started a buddy system rule. Basically when I can't go somewhere with them because I have to watch Parker, I send them in together for both safety and to help one another out. They took care of business and come out. We continue to shop.
Not 15 minutes later, Lilly has to go back to the bathroom.
We hiked all the way back up to the front of the store and I sent the two of them in together again. As they were walking in, this woman passed them right at the entrance to the bathroom and says to them (and then to me because I was less than 3 feet away), "I really wish your mom wouldn't let you do that!" She said it with so much condescension that I'm surprised she didn't spit on them as well. I had Parker in the basket right by the bathroom door so I heard it all and had the last half of her sentence directed at me.
What is it with people? I should preface this by saying that initially I was really upset, hurt even. After some time, I'm now to the point that I'm angry. First, what gives you the right to talk to my children at all in an attempt to discipline, guide, undermine? Second, what is it you wish they weren't allowed to do? Open a door? Walk through it? Start to close it? Because I was right there and although they goofed around the whole time we were in the store, they were doing nothing but opening up a door and trying to avoid you coming out at that exact moment. Third, and an entirely different topic I'd love to write a post about, when would you like children to learn independence and autonomy? Do you expect they will just "get it" at the magic age of 10? You probably also believe in the common (as in not upper scale) restaurants that are not allowing children to dine there because they might interrupt other customers. Again, I guess they will just magically know how to act one day and then it will be okay for them to use a restroom or attend a family dinner at a restaurant. Fourth and the reason this upset me so bady, lady I REALLY WISH THEIR MOTHER WOULDN'T LET THEM DO THAT EITHER!
I HATE sending my girls into a bathroom without me. That's really just one thing I hate. I've never had just one child so while this particularly event was because I had 3 children with me and no other adult, my life has been an exercise in balance since November 27, 2007 when I found out I was having twins. I really wish Gabby and Lilly's mother didn't have to decide which crying baby to help first. I really wish she didn't have to decide every single day who's book to read first. I wish she didn't have to constantly make the decision of who to help, comfort, feed, carry, or care for first. I don't wish this to the point that I don't wish I had my twins. Of course not, but the reality is that I spontaneously had twins, and yes I've spent a good portion of my time as a mother wishing or thinking I could do things differently. I wish that I could be 100% there for both my children at the same time. I just need a clone, that's all. I need a twin, too! And now there is Parker. My sweet boy who I planned and can't picture my life without, but he does make this choosing a little more complicated.
Again, I hate sending my girls into a bathroom without me. I hate public bathrooms, worry about who might be in there (and usually only let them go in if it is empty), and just wish I could go inside and help them each and every time they need me. Don't we all want that?
See lady, what I should've told you but didn't (because A: I prefer to teach my children by example and calling you out on your unwanted opinion wouldn't have changed your mind. It would've just made me look worse than you and B: I'm a single mom with 3 kids and I know how vulnerable I am. No matter how ridiculous, my kids and our safety is far more important than you) is that I wish their mother didn't let them do that either. And IF their father wasn't deployed right now protecting your right to air out your unwanted opinion about parenting and probably a gazillion other things, he'd stay with my son and I could go in. Or IF their father wasn't half the world away, he'd be playing with his babies in the backyard, taking them to the potty in their own home, while I shopped by myself. I dislike the word stupid, but I'm going to use it here. Stupid woman for judging when you have no idea the circumstances. Stupid woman for not realizing that instead of being a "witch" you could have taken the opportunity to help two little 4 year-olds open and get through a door. You could've even stayed inside and helped their mother have a little reassurance like the lady with children of her own who walked in right after Gab and Lil did. And stupid me for allowing you to get to me.
Her comment probably seems so minor to anyone reading this. But for whatever reason, in the moment I about lost it. I don't mean like I wanted to attack her, but it took everything in me not to curl up and cry my eyes out. I am trying so hard. So hard. I'm trying to be there for my kids like a two parent household would be. The hugs, the meals, the activities, the chores, the laundry..oh the laundry!, the shopping, the extras. All of it. I am trying so hard. And I have ridiculous expectations of myself. Always have. Sometimes I fall far short of them in reality. The times that I don't actually fall short, I fall short of them to myself. There's never enough hugs, enough time, enough accomplished. Never enough and always something to beat myself up over.
I have not been away from my kids since February 1st when I went out for a couple hours. Well, I take a one hour class on the weekends and my kids are in childcare during that time. So if you want to count that, do. I'm not complaining. Quite the opposite actually. They need me. Not a need like all children have, but a need like a kiddo who only has one parent. A kiddo who misses another parent, who has big time breakdowns when she takes a small fall simply because once the tears start coming, they just can't stop. My kids need me because when they cry, they can't tell me why or what got hurt. All they can say is "Daaaaaddy. Daaaaaady." And it is heartbreaking. They need me here. Yes they sleep, but they wake up. A lot. And we rock a lot. And we cuddle and we hold each other a lot.
So while taking them with me on 49 different errands is not something I ever want to do really, being with them is the most important thing I can give them right now. So I do. In a way this deployment has opened my eyes to how busy I had become. Sometimes I think that prior to this deployment I had started spending time with my children when I didn't have anything better to do. The silver lining to being the only parent is forced simplicity. Forced slowing down. And what an eye-opening blessing it has been!
After the witch said her peace and the girls came out of the bathroom, we went straight to the checkout. I planned on buying Easter egg dye and the girls knew it, but I was so upset we just went to check out. Stupid me for not being stronger and allowing this woman to take that joy away from my girls. Of course what happened in the parking lot has me wondering if there was perhaps a reason I left earlier than I planned. You know I'm not a big believer in coincidences...
So we started walking to the car. Parker and I were walking. The girls were running. I started raising my voice and got them to come back because umm, hello! We are in a parking lot. I guess I had just had enough of their poor listening (this was like the 4900th time I had asked them not to run away from me in a parking lot...these girls get outside and their little free spirits take over) plus my anger at the witch was beginingg to brew up. So, once the girls got back to the cart I stopped it by 2 SUVs and this is how it went:
Me-Gabby, stand here (right behind suv). What happens if that car starts going backwards right now?
Gabby-....
Me-Tell me. Say it.
Gabby-I get runned over.
Me-Yes. And Lilly stand here (behind the next car). What happens if this car starts backing up?
Lilly-I get hit by dat car.
Me-Yes. Look at this window. If someone is inside, can they see you? Look, you are shorter than the window.
Girls-No.
Me-Okay, that is why I do not allow you to run away from me in a parking lot. I know you know to watch for cars and I know you are only running to our car, but cars going backwards can't see you. You must hold onto either side of this cart when we are walking in a parking lot. Do you understand?
About half way through this exchange, an older couple walked around us and started loading groceries into the next car, the one right in front of the one I had Lilly stand behind. In the moment I knew how stupid it was to stop and have this conversation and I was praying no criminal or thief was nearby because I definitely know I'm a complete target by myself with all three kiddos. However, once this couple stopped by us I felt better. I could actually see that they were kinda smiling at each other, which I wasn't sure about.
Anyways, Gabby and Lilly grabbed onto the cart and we started walking again. This woman said to me as I passed her, "You did a good job there." And sucking in a big breath of air I looked back at her and said, "I'm really trying." And she said, "Well keep it up. You are doing just fine, a really good job."
I wanted to hug her. I wanted to burst out in tears and tell her my husband was away and this lady had really upset me in the store and that is was so kind of her to tell me those kind words. That I know she could've just let me walk on by, but she didn't and although I was crying, I was so thankful.
Again, I didn't say all that to her just like I didn't say anything to the witch. This time I really was crying though. I guess my cup was running over. My sad cup, my lonely cup, my afraid cup, my judgment cup, my inadequate cup, my thankful cup, my humanity cup, my I'm-not-doing-it-all-wrong cup...it was all running over and running right down my face.
My sweet babies kept asking me why there was "wet" on my face.
I didn't say anything really to either lady. One will never know how bad I allowed her to hurt me. The other will never know how much she lifted me up. But today changed me nonetheless. I'm not by nature very judgmental, but I promise to be even less so after today. I promise to work even harder to teach my children the importance of loving on those around us; those we think are doing great and those we think are struggling; that judgment is not our job on this earth. And I promise to pay it forward with affirmation or praise to another mom as soon as I can.
There was once someone in my life for a brief period of time and it wasn't an easy acquaintance-ship, if you will. However, I happened to overhear something she said to her daughter one time and it stuck with me. It stuck with me perhaps more than any one phrase has stuck with me. She said, "Lauren, you are a Johnson. And that means we use our words to build people up, not tear them down." (names changed here) It was so simple, yet so profound.
And maybe this hasn't always been the case, but we are Erickson's and we will use our words to build people up, not tear them down.
Thank you for reading my blubbering mess of a post. Back to regular programming tomorrow.
After a lazy morning, the girls went to school and P and I hung out at home. He napped and I did laundry. I had a long list of errands that I needed to run after I picked up the girls. One stop was for groceries. The kids and I did that first. We reached the second aisle when Lilly needed to go to the bathroom. So, we all went up front to the bathroom. Because I'm by myself a lot with them, I've started a buddy system rule. Basically when I can't go somewhere with them because I have to watch Parker, I send them in together for both safety and to help one another out. They took care of business and come out. We continue to shop.
Not 15 minutes later, Lilly has to go back to the bathroom.
We hiked all the way back up to the front of the store and I sent the two of them in together again. As they were walking in, this woman passed them right at the entrance to the bathroom and says to them (and then to me because I was less than 3 feet away), "I really wish your mom wouldn't let you do that!" She said it with so much condescension that I'm surprised she didn't spit on them as well. I had Parker in the basket right by the bathroom door so I heard it all and had the last half of her sentence directed at me.
What is it with people? I should preface this by saying that initially I was really upset, hurt even. After some time, I'm now to the point that I'm angry. First, what gives you the right to talk to my children at all in an attempt to discipline, guide, undermine? Second, what is it you wish they weren't allowed to do? Open a door? Walk through it? Start to close it? Because I was right there and although they goofed around the whole time we were in the store, they were doing nothing but opening up a door and trying to avoid you coming out at that exact moment. Third, and an entirely different topic I'd love to write a post about, when would you like children to learn independence and autonomy? Do you expect they will just "get it" at the magic age of 10? You probably also believe in the common (as in not upper scale) restaurants that are not allowing children to dine there because they might interrupt other customers. Again, I guess they will just magically know how to act one day and then it will be okay for them to use a restroom or attend a family dinner at a restaurant. Fourth and the reason this upset me so bady, lady I REALLY WISH THEIR MOTHER WOULDN'T LET THEM DO THAT EITHER!
I HATE sending my girls into a bathroom without me. That's really just one thing I hate. I've never had just one child so while this particularly event was because I had 3 children with me and no other adult, my life has been an exercise in balance since November 27, 2007 when I found out I was having twins. I really wish Gabby and Lilly's mother didn't have to decide which crying baby to help first. I really wish she didn't have to decide every single day who's book to read first. I wish she didn't have to constantly make the decision of who to help, comfort, feed, carry, or care for first. I don't wish this to the point that I don't wish I had my twins. Of course not, but the reality is that I spontaneously had twins, and yes I've spent a good portion of my time as a mother wishing or thinking I could do things differently. I wish that I could be 100% there for both my children at the same time. I just need a clone, that's all. I need a twin, too! And now there is Parker. My sweet boy who I planned and can't picture my life without, but he does make this choosing a little more complicated.
Again, I hate sending my girls into a bathroom without me. I hate public bathrooms, worry about who might be in there (and usually only let them go in if it is empty), and just wish I could go inside and help them each and every time they need me. Don't we all want that?
See lady, what I should've told you but didn't (because A: I prefer to teach my children by example and calling you out on your unwanted opinion wouldn't have changed your mind. It would've just made me look worse than you and B: I'm a single mom with 3 kids and I know how vulnerable I am. No matter how ridiculous, my kids and our safety is far more important than you) is that I wish their mother didn't let them do that either. And IF their father wasn't deployed right now protecting your right to air out your unwanted opinion about parenting and probably a gazillion other things, he'd stay with my son and I could go in. Or IF their father wasn't half the world away, he'd be playing with his babies in the backyard, taking them to the potty in their own home, while I shopped by myself. I dislike the word stupid, but I'm going to use it here. Stupid woman for judging when you have no idea the circumstances. Stupid woman for not realizing that instead of being a "witch" you could have taken the opportunity to help two little 4 year-olds open and get through a door. You could've even stayed inside and helped their mother have a little reassurance like the lady with children of her own who walked in right after Gab and Lil did. And stupid me for allowing you to get to me.
Her comment probably seems so minor to anyone reading this. But for whatever reason, in the moment I about lost it. I don't mean like I wanted to attack her, but it took everything in me not to curl up and cry my eyes out. I am trying so hard. So hard. I'm trying to be there for my kids like a two parent household would be. The hugs, the meals, the activities, the chores, the laundry..oh the laundry!, the shopping, the extras. All of it. I am trying so hard. And I have ridiculous expectations of myself. Always have. Sometimes I fall far short of them in reality. The times that I don't actually fall short, I fall short of them to myself. There's never enough hugs, enough time, enough accomplished. Never enough and always something to beat myself up over.
I have not been away from my kids since February 1st when I went out for a couple hours. Well, I take a one hour class on the weekends and my kids are in childcare during that time. So if you want to count that, do. I'm not complaining. Quite the opposite actually. They need me. Not a need like all children have, but a need like a kiddo who only has one parent. A kiddo who misses another parent, who has big time breakdowns when she takes a small fall simply because once the tears start coming, they just can't stop. My kids need me because when they cry, they can't tell me why or what got hurt. All they can say is "Daaaaaddy. Daaaaaady." And it is heartbreaking. They need me here. Yes they sleep, but they wake up. A lot. And we rock a lot. And we cuddle and we hold each other a lot.
So while taking them with me on 49 different errands is not something I ever want to do really, being with them is the most important thing I can give them right now. So I do. In a way this deployment has opened my eyes to how busy I had become. Sometimes I think that prior to this deployment I had started spending time with my children when I didn't have anything better to do. The silver lining to being the only parent is forced simplicity. Forced slowing down. And what an eye-opening blessing it has been!
After the witch said her peace and the girls came out of the bathroom, we went straight to the checkout. I planned on buying Easter egg dye and the girls knew it, but I was so upset we just went to check out. Stupid me for not being stronger and allowing this woman to take that joy away from my girls. Of course what happened in the parking lot has me wondering if there was perhaps a reason I left earlier than I planned. You know I'm not a big believer in coincidences...
So we started walking to the car. Parker and I were walking. The girls were running. I started raising my voice and got them to come back because umm, hello! We are in a parking lot. I guess I had just had enough of their poor listening (this was like the 4900th time I had asked them not to run away from me in a parking lot...these girls get outside and their little free spirits take over) plus my anger at the witch was beginingg to brew up. So, once the girls got back to the cart I stopped it by 2 SUVs and this is how it went:
Me-Gabby, stand here (right behind suv). What happens if that car starts going backwards right now?
Gabby-....
Me-Tell me. Say it.
Gabby-I get runned over.
Me-Yes. And Lilly stand here (behind the next car). What happens if this car starts backing up?
Lilly-I get hit by dat car.
Me-Yes. Look at this window. If someone is inside, can they see you? Look, you are shorter than the window.
Girls-No.
Me-Okay, that is why I do not allow you to run away from me in a parking lot. I know you know to watch for cars and I know you are only running to our car, but cars going backwards can't see you. You must hold onto either side of this cart when we are walking in a parking lot. Do you understand?
About half way through this exchange, an older couple walked around us and started loading groceries into the next car, the one right in front of the one I had Lilly stand behind. In the moment I knew how stupid it was to stop and have this conversation and I was praying no criminal or thief was nearby because I definitely know I'm a complete target by myself with all three kiddos. However, once this couple stopped by us I felt better. I could actually see that they were kinda smiling at each other, which I wasn't sure about.
Anyways, Gabby and Lilly grabbed onto the cart and we started walking again. This woman said to me as I passed her, "You did a good job there." And sucking in a big breath of air I looked back at her and said, "I'm really trying." And she said, "Well keep it up. You are doing just fine, a really good job."
I wanted to hug her. I wanted to burst out in tears and tell her my husband was away and this lady had really upset me in the store and that is was so kind of her to tell me those kind words. That I know she could've just let me walk on by, but she didn't and although I was crying, I was so thankful.
Again, I didn't say all that to her just like I didn't say anything to the witch. This time I really was crying though. I guess my cup was running over. My sad cup, my lonely cup, my afraid cup, my judgment cup, my inadequate cup, my thankful cup, my humanity cup, my I'm-not-doing-it-all-wrong cup...it was all running over and running right down my face.
My sweet babies kept asking me why there was "wet" on my face.
I didn't say anything really to either lady. One will never know how bad I allowed her to hurt me. The other will never know how much she lifted me up. But today changed me nonetheless. I'm not by nature very judgmental, but I promise to be even less so after today. I promise to work even harder to teach my children the importance of loving on those around us; those we think are doing great and those we think are struggling; that judgment is not our job on this earth. And I promise to pay it forward with affirmation or praise to another mom as soon as I can.
There was once someone in my life for a brief period of time and it wasn't an easy acquaintance-ship, if you will. However, I happened to overhear something she said to her daughter one time and it stuck with me. It stuck with me perhaps more than any one phrase has stuck with me. She said, "Lauren, you are a Johnson. And that means we use our words to build people up, not tear them down." (names changed here) It was so simple, yet so profound.
And maybe this hasn't always been the case, but we are Erickson's and we will use our words to build people up, not tear them down.
Thank you for reading my blubbering mess of a post. Back to regular programming tomorrow.
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