Pressure, coming down on me

Disclaimer: Nothing you are about to read is meant to sound like complaints.

Now for the show!

To begin with, I'm a stay at home mom and so I'll speak from that perspective. I thought that staying at home with my kids would make my life less stressful and pressured than if I continued working. Now that I'm 16 months into it boy was I ever wrong!

The other day the hubby and I got into what some might call an argument (yeah, we tend to do that from time to time...and I'm so not ashamed). Now as I write I can't even begin to tell you what it was about (I'm sure it was worth an argument though :)...), but basically before either of us knew it I was standing in the kitchen crying like a little girl who had had her favorite Barbie's leg ripped off by the boy two houses down. And since I'm not pregnant or in the hells of postpartum, the hubby and I were like What the heck is this all about?!?

So, we started talking (which is the other reason I'm not ashamed about admitting we argue...it conjures up communication that is usually needed). And I had an ah-ha moment!

In a run on sentence, that happened to make such great sense, I was able to finally pin point why I feel so much pressure all the time!

See, here's the deal.

I stay home. My work is my home. And because there just isn't a broad enough definition to ever describe what a mom's job description is we'll just say that a mom, no matter whether she works in or out of the home, is basically responsible for learning from and preserving the past, running around like a bat out of ach-eee-double hockey sticks in the present, and molding the future. No pressure.

And, the kicker...I can never leave my work! It isn't like I can order the laundry to wash itself. I can't tell the girls to raise themselves. Duh, you're thinking. But how is that any different from anyone else's job responsibilities? During my babbling through tears and whines I heard myself telling my husband, and I sort of quote, "You get to go to work. You see people and then you leave work at home. It's not like you are going to park an airplane in our backyard and spend time with it all night. You also don't have your co-workers living with you. So whatever pressure you have at work is lessened when you come home." I'm not sure he got all of that in between my sobbing, but that's the jest of my thoughts. Another ah-ha moment.

Because my work is at my home, it's as if any little thing undone is a report card tarnished with a gigantic red, ugly F! If someone notices a full laundry basket...F. Sink full of dishes...F. Children with rag-a-muffin hair...F. At least when I was teaching I could tuck unpleasant assessment results away from God and everybody. Too bad children don't fit too nicely in drawers.

Back to the topic...

And because I'm home most of the time (and almost always after 8pm) what happens if my responsibilities aren't taken care of? Well there's always the middle of the night. Afterall, it has to be done and the pressure's on and since I live where I work, I'll just do it to all hours of the night. Right? I mean husbands meet with clients all night long, don't they? :)

And the real spur under this 'being a mom' saddle is that if you stay at home (and you guilt-trip yourself as I do) you feel like if you choose to leave to do something, you are making a choice to be apart from your family and dumping your responsibilities on someone else. Like when my husband leaves for work, he just goes. It isn't really a choice whether or not he stays or goes. He brings home the bacon so he must go. But, when a mom leaves she kindof has to ask permission. I mean someone has to agree to take over my double duty while I'm away. And yes this is necessary when there is grocery shopping or doctors appointments or something else that is needed. But what happens when it is like a pedicure? trip to the gym? dinner with a girlfriend? It is almost like I'm dumping my responsibilties on someone else. As I mentioned, I was a teacher in a former life (ha!) and it would sort of be like dropping my kids off with Mrs. Adams and leaving them! I'd never do that! They are my responsibility so why would I do that at home?

Ah, the guilt.

It is as if every time I leave to do something not necessary (i.e. food, clothing, medicine) the pressure is so intense. Am I the only one who feels this?

I can only imagine what other moms must feel. I consider myself so fortunate to have a husband that does every last thing I do with our girls, except clip nails, AND he definitely pulls his share around our house. He isn't controlling and is so laid back I want to scream sometimes. So, how do mothers handle the pressure without help? And, how do working moms handle all the pressure I just listed plus the pressure of a career?

Geez. I'm getting anxious just writing about this.

I wish I was talking about all of this because I had a brilliant solution to sum things up. But, trust me, if I did, I wouldn't be telling you for free! HA!

I guess this is just life. Mommy life. We can try to have it all (whatever all means), but, speaking for myself, I have to learn to accept that 'all' can't be had without some serious pressure, sacrifice, and patience. I used to think that I decided to be a mommy and stay at home, but I really think that someone much bigger than myself had this in store for me. Lessons I need to learn. Gosh I hope I'm learning them because I do not want to see what lays ahead if I don't get it this time.

Oh, and I do not want anyone to feel sorry for me. I am so blessed, like blessed beyond what any person deserves. And I also don't want anyone...ahem, my mother...telling me to take it easy on myself. I know I should, but I've been trying that for almost 26 years and it isn't working so I think it is time for some acceptance and realization that more than likely I will always be an anxious, pressured, neurotic person. Learn to love yourself is what they say, right?

Wishing you all a pleasant, pressure free (even though I know that is impossible) week! And if you figure out how children can quietly fit into drawers, please let me know!

Lil

Gabster Lou

Don't be fooled. They eat mommies (and oatmeal) for breakfast!