Approaching the soapbox...

The Twins

Gabby and Lilly

Disclaimer: This mama lion is coming dangerously close to the soapbox. Read at your own risk.

Okay, some of you who read this have twins. Some don't. I know that if you don't have twins this might be hard to understand, but for what it is worth, here are my thoughts on calling twins 'the twins.'

My girls are identical (if you haven't realized that by now, there might be something wrong). And to the world, they look exactly the same. To me and most of our close relatives (grandparents, great grandparents, etc) they look very different. In our day to day life, people often approach the subject of who is who very gingerly. I've asked them why this is so and for the most part they are concerned that Shaun or I will be offended if they have to ask which baby is Lilly and which is Gabby.

So, to clear things up, that does not offend us whatsoever! There are times when the girls are walking away from us, have hats or hoods on, or just switch places in the house without us knowing that we have to take half and second and go, "Uh...Gabby? Yep, that's you. Man I thought for a minute that you were your sister." It happens. Even to us. Call the twin police.

So, when are confused about who is Gabby and who is Lilly, it does not offend us at all. We expect it and don't mind. We are merely thankful that you care to know who is who.

What does offend us (or probably just me because Shaun is way more laid back than I will ever learn to be) is when people refer to Gabby and Lilly as 'the twins.' Oh, just hearing that phrase makes my blood start boiling. Perhaps thats a little dramatic, but you know what I mean.

When I hear someone refer to 'the twins' in front of me, I am seriously insulted. See, I get it when I'm not around. Like if my Nanny was talking to one of her relatives and trying to differentiate between me and my cousin. I can understand her saying something like 'You know. Kristy, the one with twins.' I get that and have accepted the fact that having twins will always be a descriptor or our family. That's not the problem.

But when someone says, "Hey Kristy. Where are the twins?"Yikes! I mean, would you say, "Hey Fertile Myrtle. Where is the singleton?" I think not.

I guess the difference to me is that when someone calls Gabby and Lilly 'the twins' I just can't help but feel as though they are being grouped as one, as if they are completely the same and not different. When, in truth, they couldn't be any more different.

Shaun and I believe and are trying very hard to raise our girls to be singular. By that I mean that while being a twin will always be part of their lives, it is just that. A part. Not all. Not even half. We want them to grow up and believe they are sweet girls that just happen to be twins. Not twins that just happen to be sweet girls.

This is an uphill battle for us both personally and in trying to teach others how we expect Gabby and Lilly's twin-ness, if you will, to be handled. I mean, it is 'normal' for us to do the same things at the same time and have the same expectation of our girls. I don't know how to avoid that (not to mention they are all about doing everything the same right now). But we try.

For example, Gabby is cool as a cucumber most anywhere so we don't expect that she will have trouble in new situations. Lilly is quite the clam around new people so we prepare her and support her when needed. Gabby will give up a toy in a heartbeat. I don't know if she just doesn't have the will her sister does or if she just wants to avoid Lilly's tantrums, but either way, she gives up toys easy. So, Shaun and I help Gabby stick up for herself and know that this might be a lifelong trait she has and (since no daughter of mine is going to be a push over) we might need to continue to make her feel confident enough to stand up for what is her's. On the opposite side, we know that Lilly might need help understanding why she can't have anything and everything she wants just because she wants it (Shaun better teach her this because I'm afraid I'm still learning it, too!).

What I'm trying to say is that calling my girls 'the twins' almost negates all the ins and outs and little quirks that make Gabby and Lilly who they are. The ins and outs that make them different. Futhermore, treating them as one whether in thought or actuality doesn't give our girls the freedom to grow into singular, unique individuals. Afterall, if the expectation is that they will be exact carbon copies of the other, that is what they will be. If the expectation is that they will have both similar or identical traits, but also explore what makes them unique individuals, that is what they will aim to do.

In my opinion, no amount of identical physical traits or clothing can take away from how vastly different they are. Nor can any amount of different clothing take away from how identical they are. And if it takes appearance or clothing to make Gabby and Lilly individuals in our eyes, we as parents have not done our job.

Gabby and Lilly are twins. There's no denying that.

But they are so many, many other things as well. So, if possible, don't ask me how 'the twins' are doing. I'd hate for anyone to see my head pop off and spin around. Its just not pretty.

And, to all the other mommies of twins out there, do you feel the same way? Do you mind people asking about 'the twins?' Very curious.

Uniquely individual and full of spunk Lilly

Uniquely individual and full of confidence Gabby