shigga-frigga-wigga

Grocery shopping day. Enough said, right?

So, after a morning of picking up and cleaning, an afternoon of running around in the car and partyin' it up with G & L at their school, I set out to go grocery shopping. To the commissary. 30 minutes away. I also needed to pick up a few things at the BX (which I will forever call a PX). For you sane people that choose to stay members of the civilian world, the B/PX is the base or post exchange. It is basically the supercenter of a military base, without the groceries because those are in the commissary. It has all sorts of fantastic things like Coach, Louie Vutton, most of the popular makeup counters, beauty products from Bath and Body Works and Victoria's Secret, as well as lots of home furnishing types of things, electronics, kids stuff, appliances, etc. All of this is usually at a very discounted price. The military side isn't sounding so bad now right, is it?

Okay, so I planned to meet with the guy in the commissary parking lot to sell him a couple of our electronic devices we no longer use. He had contacted me through Craigslist. I figured the commissary was a pretty safe place so I set out. I did eventually find him and his hunter green Dodg Dakota pick up truck. How do I put this kindly...he was rather old. Maybe not in actual years, but the dude didn't process things real quick. Long story short, he ended up using my car cigarette lighter to electric outlet converter to double check not only that they both worked, but that certain programs would work. He also attempted to check the wifi capabilities off wifi networks far away. Anyways, it took forever. My kids, minus Parker, know how to get out of the car so they joined me. In the freezing cold. For what seemed like forever. FINALLY the guy gave me the money. I was seriously close to telling him to either forget about it or just take them. Selling something for $100 is okay and all, but having to put in $100 worth of work and time in order to make $100 isn't my cup of tea. When it comes to Craigslist anyways. My sweet, demeur Lilly said at one point, "What's takin' dat man so yong? Doesn't he know it's readdy cowd out here!"

Okay, so we go in the commissary. I think I'll just sumamrize this part of the trip in a list, a list of epic fails I shall call it.

Epic fail #1-It's the first of the month. Payday. And here I am with half the other freakin' Air Force peeps stationed at Tinker trying to buy groceries. Have I not learned anything during my 10 years as a spouse?!? Military Wife Commandment 1: Thou shalt not ever shop at the commissary on pay day!

Epic fail #2-I got a basket that didn't have a little buckle thing on it to keep the littlest booger restrained keep Parker seated safely. Prior to that, the original basket fail was that there were NO cartype carts to use. You know the ones were the kids can "drive" while you shop. I usually refer to them as the kinds that the kids can do multiple Chinese fire drills in, surf on the top of them, and have to sit very close to one another while actually "driving" therefor instigating multiple slapping episodes and the occassional hair pulling incident. Yes, the ones that are generally the least helpful during a shopping trip. However, the whine-o-meter stays very low when those are available so I usually give in and just deal with my little car cart road-ragers. Whine-o-meter was high today.

Epic fail #3-The free cookie bowl was empty. Come on people. It's the first of the month! You know better! Whine-o-meter cranked to automic levels!

Epic fail #4-Finding some bakery cookies and asking my kids whether they wanted peanut butter or m&m cookies. I know that they will always choose opposite of one another. I KNOW THIS SO WHY DO I KEEP ASKING?!? I decided on peanut butter. Whine-o-meter up slightly.

Epic fail #5-Restocking. Really? Today? At 5pm? When all the people are leaving work and swinging by to pick up their groceries before heading home? I'd like to meet the idiot clearly dedicated employ who is simply trying to get his work accomplished who thought up that excellent plan. In all my years of shopping at the commissary, I have NEVER seen people out restocking to this magnitude. They literally had the entire dairy, ice cream, frozen breakfast aisle jammed so that people had one lane to go through. Now you tell me how that works. After hours people! The world on base (well except the actually plane/mission part) closes practically before the sun goes down anyway. Restock later.

Epic fail #6-Bathroom breaks. Times 2. All the time. P was super excited about this one though because I pushed the cart right up to the water fountain so he could have a drink. Which turned out to be more like having a bath. You know. Whatever. I also opened the bathroom door after what seemed like forever that L had been inside only to find her twirling and doing grande jetes inside. Really.

Epic fail #7-Because Parker wasn't strapped in and G & L can literally climb in and out of the cart as they please, my groceries were a little misshapen you might say. After asking me whether I wanted to keep the third box/container the clerk found while ringing up my groceries, I broke down and just confessed! I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO CONTROL OVER MY KIDS WHILE AT THE GROCERY STORE AND MY SON HAS BASICALLY STOMPED ALL OVER EVERYTHING IN THE BASKET. I'LL TAKE IT. IT'S FINE. Because oh my gosh at this point 24 smashed eggs are better than going one more inch in this store in order to get more! Judge away. It's the truth!

Epic fail #8 (I wonder if I'll make it to 10)-Well I guess this isn't exactly a fail, but my kids are just NOT good shoppers. If it is me with only one of them, we have no problem. However, alone with all three (and half of Midwest City), well that's a different story. I can sum it up with a little math equation.

As I've so clearly proved, shopping with 3 kids in algorithmic, algebraic, geometric proof terms, is equivalent to shopping with 27 children. And yes, I did just use the last little bit of brain power I had.

The rest of the trip was filled with Parker repeatedly yelling "AIR-PANE! DADDY! AIR-PANE! DADDY!" Yes, Parker. There are lots of planes here. We can only hear them now because they are outside and we are inside. No, Parker. That is not your Daddy. Nope, that guys isn't either. No, wrong again sweet boy.

At one point I hear Lilly say to Gabby, "Okay Gabby dis is what we'll do. You spit on my face and den I'll spit on your's!" And Gabby agreed to this little arrangment. Excuse me? That is juuust what we needed to make this trip even more fun!

However, the most EPIC of all epic fails of this day came at the very end. I bought my stuff, took my kids to the car, got them buckled in the car while the guy loaded our groceries, and then looked up and remembered I needed to go to the PX for ink, tax software and a few other items that are usually get there because they are so much cheaper than elsewhere. I got all the e's out, piled them into our little whine-mobile, and literally ran across a parking lot the length of Walmarts while pushing all three of them in the cart. I walked all the way through the PX shopping center to...and guess what?!? I found this little gem waiting for me at the entrance to the PX.

First thought: shigga-frigga-wigga!

Second thought: @#%$&^*$#*@#$!!!!!!!

Third thought: FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS HOLY, COULD I REQUEST THAT ARMAGEDDON BEGIN... NOW?!? Could I please be the first one zapped up?!?

Fourth thought: I need Mommy juice.

If only I could make this stuff up.