ONE month!

Shaun has been deployed for one month as of today! In a lot of ways the time has gone really quickly. In other's it feels like it has surely been a year since he left. This is what I've had the chance to learn while he's been away. Disclaimer: some of these "learned" bits of info were done so as I was dragging my heels, kicking, screaming, and maybe even biting! @@

1. Fish are resilient little things.

Whether they are trying to kill themselves, the tank is trying to malfunction and deprive them of oxygen, or Parker is honing his fish-serial-killing skills, they are still alive. All. Of. Them. That my friends is ah-mazing in itself!

2. My kids are TOUGH.

I'm the luckiest, proudest, most blessest momma in the whole world! I can't even begin to describe how strong and brave they are! We've had very few times of saddness that brownie batter and ice cream couldn't fix.

Hehe! In all seriousness, we've gotten through our few breakdowns fairly easily. I guess you never know what to expect when you marry someone who is military. I didn't know the day Shaun and I got married if I could handle him being gone for long periods of time. I suppose I went in having faith that I could because something as silly as the military and years apart seemed like a really dumb thing to let get in the way of a life with the guy I loved. (Let it be known that 'the guy' I speak of would probably tell you that my mission from day 1 has been to make sure the military doesn't get in the way of anything my family wants or needs to do. Apparently I'm fond of beating my head against brick walls. Lol!) Anywho, what I didn't take time to think about back then was my future children and what this life would mean to them.

I mean it isn't exactly wedding day material...What if he's deployed? What if we have kids? What if they can't handle it? What if! What if! What if! Once our kiddos came along, that obviously changed. Everytime Shaun is up to either get out or commit to more time (gosh that sounds like I'm talking about prison) we have to talk about how it will effect our kids. He asked for this life. I agreed to it. But our kids are completely innocent little ones who never asked for having things like war and deployments and time away invade their childhood. We never knew until now if our kids could handle it. And, as much as I'd still rather not know, our kids have amazed us. I'm pretty sure they can handle anything! Sometimes people say to me, in regards to having twins that God only gives us what we can handle. Usually in my head I'm laughing and saying, "Well then He definitely has me confused with someone else!" But I always find it easier to see something like that in those around me and not myself. And this is no different. Watching my kids grow and blossom and handle this big change in their life with such grace and wisdom beyond their years has me certain that God knew exactly what he was doing when he gave my kiddos a soldier for a daddy. He knew they could handle it; knew they'd be lovers of airplanes and cadet hats before they were 2; knew stop on their own and want to put their hands of their hearts in our living room during the National Anthem of the Superbowl (even if they were talking and dancing during it); knew that they'd be able to understand at the age of 4 that daddy sometimes has to go help others and that they'd be selfless enough to let him go for a while. He just knew. And now I do as well.

3. I can let go even more than I thought I could.

So being pregnant and having twins put the first big dent in my 'I'm in control of everything' philosophy. And since that time I seem to be riding the perpetual rollar coaster of believing I have things handled and then being reminded in some gentle and not so gentle ways that I am not. Such is life. However, some standards have always remained. My house, or the main living areas is always picked up at night. Dishes are usually done (by the mister, now me...blah!) every night. I'm trying to think of other house standards, but I'm coming up blank. That is SO bad! There are obviously more. Obviously. I just can't come up with them right now... Yes, that's it. ;)

Anywho, turns out I can let go even more!

That my friends is what my sink looked like this morning. Please, judge away. I can handle it! That is the left over mess of a peanut butter and jelly lunch with peas and yogurt, brownie making mess with my kiddos, and a few items that didn't make it into the dishwasher the night before from poppyseed chicken and other things that I can no longer remember because, well, who has brain space for that?!? There is also a pile of neatly laid out clothes on my bed that is stacked and ready to be hung up. Confession: I have not hung up said pile since Shaun left! And you just thought you were being judgemental a minute ago! Seirously. A month of not hanging up clothes.

I actually think I'm onto something because my little system works reeeeally well. You see (standby while I justify myself please) I only wear what is in that stack. Or those are my only real clothes that I wear. My other clothing choices are yoga pants, hoodies, camis, and gym clothes (which you know I wear 90% of the time anyway). So, please explain to me the point. AND, added bonus coming your way, it is like a built in ironing system! The stack is so high that is works to press the clothes as they lay there. Genius. I know. The only problem with my little system is that this stack is currently taking up the real estate that usually belongs to Tech Sergeant Erickson while he's sleeping. Since I probably won't get away with making his new bed the couch (and hello, why would I want that??), the end of my little system will have to come sooner or later. If I had to take a guess, I'd say it will end approximately 12 hours before driving out and retrieving my own personal hero. Let go people. Your clothes might not think you, but your 15 minutes of extra (or only) free time certainly will!

4. Parker is a loonytoon without his dad around. Or, he entered the terrible two's approximately 5 minutes after dropping Shaun off...? I refer you to evidence A, B, and C. 

1/2 Mustache Man

Since I'm the man of the house now...

5. I actually, sorta kinda, maybe possibly, not exactly totally sure, but am leaning in the direction of believing I can actually handle this. Waiting for the universe to go up in smoke... Hmm. Weird.

Okay, so not a topic anyone likes to think about, much less write about is coming your way. I'm a military spouse. Shaun and I have made it through a tour in Iraq in 2004, this current deployment to I-U-DEED (which is Qatar in case you didn't know) and multiples trainings and missions that have taken Shaun away anywhere from 3 days to 3 months. The truth is though, that if you've ever been in my shoes or been a child of a military person, there is always a threat of your life changing in the blink of an eye. Always a thought in the back of your mind. A question. What if something happens to the person I love? What if they come back injured? What if they came back seriously disabled? And God-forbid, what if they don't come back at all?

No one likes to talk about that. But we all think about it. Somewhere in the back part of our brain, the place that we only allow to run amuck when we haven't received a letter in awhile, didn't get the phone call we were told was coming, or heard about a horrible explosion in the place you knew your loved one was, lives the though. The fear. The whatif. We don't let those thoughts run loose often because they are horribly devastating, but they are there. And the truth is we won't ever know...I won't ever know, hope I will never ever know, how I would handle something so horrible unlss it actually happened. As just a woman married to a soldier, I could always see a way forward. I've always thought that I'd take my heartbreak and put one foot in front of the other every day. If nothing else, our military spouses teach us the very, most purest meaning of strength, and so I would put every effort into being strong and push forward.

But I'm not just a girl who married a boy in a uniform anymore. I'm a mom. All my usual humor and antics aside, this past month has been extremely empowering to me. Prior to Shaun leaving, I had kinda stopped believing in myself, I'm afraid. I wasn't so sure anymore. Didn't know if I had in me what it took to live this life. To be this person. Somewhere betwen the suicidal fish, dead car engine, sick son, broken garage door, and countless other issues my babies and I faced this past month, I figured out how to stand up tall again; how to reach deep within and find the strength to make one more waffle, clean up the 99th spill of the day, and give just a little bit more of myself to whichever little person needed it. I think my life right now is a lesson in finding the silver linings. My own personal Silver Linings Playbook, if you will. And while I would never ever want to live the rest of my life without my love, without my teammate, I finally believe that maybe I could. Maybe I could be the mom I would have to be. Maybe we could make it. Just maybe.

And while I sorta feel like empowerment might be similar to a drug induced high, I'm probably about to come right off of it! In fact, I'm so empowered that my to-do list this week consists of putting up a shoe-rack, changing light bulbs in a few high places, and changing out our air filters. Power tools, ladders, and more laddars. Apparently, empowerment equals ambition...

Hey, what's the worse that could happen, right? I mean driving to the hospial with a broken leg and low-voltage electrocution while your house is dark, shoes are still on the floor, and you are still paying higher energy costs is really no big deal. Unless of course your car engine gives you trouble again...

Good night y'all! Thanks for reading!