Potty Mouth

I feel the need to preface this post with about 3 different things:

#1. If you aren't a parent, perhaps even if you aren't a parent of a little boy, don't read any further. Trust me.

#2. If you are easily disgusted, don't read any further.

#3. Yes, I am well aware that I am about to write a post that will one day probably infuriate and embarass my little man. And basically, I'm okay with that!

So yesterday was Gab and Lil's first day back to preschool from winter break. They were super excited, had a great day, and worked me over for about an hour telling me their favorite center was 'da magic pay' center. Yes, you can figure it out, but it may take a minute. Or hour. I digress...

We returned home and I immediately helped everyone in from the car and took Parker straight back to change his diaper. Changing him is much like servicing a car during a Nascar race only instead of servicing the car in the pit, it must be serviced while going around the track at 120 miles per hour. Why Kristy, have you ever serviced a car while its racing around a track, you ask. Why yes I have. Sorta. Okay actually no, but I've done something much more difficult! I've changed a wiggly, squirmy, tooty, ants in the pantsy little boy. I actually used to do it two at a time. So there. Again, I digress...

The girls had found this program/magazine thing in our car that we purchased when we visited the Sea Life Aquarium last summer. And since they are infatuated with Finding Nemo lately (by infatuated I mean I've seen it at least once a day for over a month and can now recite to you the words. Have no fear though. G & L still insists we all sit as a family and watch the 'funny part' where Dory talks whale to the whale that eats them and then continues to talk whale from inside the whale's mouth...'he either says we should go to the back of the throat or he wants a root beer float'). What are you getting at Kristy? Oh yes, so they brought this program into Parker's room and were asking me 14, 639 questions about all the sea animals in the pictures. They were all-what's this one? And I was all-Uhhhh, looks like that Crawl, not Crush from the movie. You know the sea PARKER LAY STILL PLEASE turtle. Then they were all-Sea Parker? Momma you're silly. And I was all-No girls I was talking to Par...nevermi. Park, I have to get this diaper on you! And they were all-Momma, peas find Nemo and Dory. I re-dy re-dy want to see 'em. And I was all-FINE! Parker, you go do whatever for a minute. Let it air out I guess. The worst you can do it pee everywhere.

Famous last words.

The girls, satisfied with finally having my undivided attention (or the closest they've ever known to undivided attention) dive into this program with so many questions and stories. I think in the span of about 3 minutes I had more deep discussion with my girls than we usually have in a day. Three minutes on one topic is rare for 3 year olds, ya know. Or maybe its not...? Hmm. They also got me to agree to going back to the aquarium and the ocean and all 'da neat sea animal paces.'

While this learning and conning was taking place, P was over trying to get his iPod off of its iHome speaker system. It is literally millimeters from his reach and one of the few things he can't get into while standing. And yes if you must know, I do get enjoyment out of knowing he can't get into at least one thing on a table!

Probably another minute passed and I realized that he's all the sudden not reaching for the iPod or playing or making any noise at all. As any mom knows, that means TROUBLE. So I tell the girls to hop up so I can see what Parker's has gotten into. I walk over to that side of his room and...are you sure you want to continue reading this...HE'S POOPED AND HAS EATEN SOME OF IT!

And I died right there.

Okay maybe not, but I wanted to.

There are no words to describe my disgust.

You see, there are 2 things I want to say about this little 'potty mouth' incident at my house One, I'm the mother of twin girls, emphasis on girls. They don't do disgusting things. They never had a love affair with toilet water or took their diaper off and smeared poop all over their bed. For the record, this incidence is just another in the ever growing list of ways my two girls failed to prepare me for my one boy. Two, did I miss the part of the parenting book that mentioned 'child playing and eating own excrement?' Or better yet, 'what to do when one child is playing in and eating own poop while other two proper daughters are dry-heaving in disgust?' Did y'all miss that chapter too?

Seriously.

I mean what do you do first? Obviously removed the baby, but where too? Where he's at is splatter with little poops all over and availabe for more 'poopy play time.' But wherever I sit him is going to get dirty too because he's a little dirty by this point. And then what do you do? Clean up the poop off his mouth or hands first? Or do you contemplate getting a bucket out because the good Lord knows you don't want to be cleaning up puke from said daughters, poop from said son, while son continues to attempt to play in both!

Again, all I can say is...SERIOUSLY?!?

And gross.

So, somehow I managed to order G & L out of the room and commanded them not to throw up, which in hindsight is just hilarious. Then I took care of the rest. And by that I mean a quick, but thorough cleaning of P, scrubbing of the floor, deep cleaning of P followed by allowing him to have the biggest cup of watered down juice he'll ever get because I just had to do something about his potty mouth!

So, I guess I have another thing marked off the "You haven't been a mother until your child..." list. And so help me, if Mr. Potty Mouth continues to have an affinity for toilet water and poop play, this momma just might resort to tape.

That's all for now. Surely it was enough.