Great Expectations

I have ridiculous expectations. And I think I've mentioned it before, but my expectations are highest when it comes to myself. I long to be someone who doesn't care (okay not really, but perhaps I long to long to not care...whatever). I digress...I've never really cared one ioda when someone told me I disappointed them because truth be known if I've done something disappointing enough for someone else to notice, chances are I've long noticed and beraided myself about it relentlessly for days. And, I really wish my expectations only applied to myself. That would really make me a more likable and easier going person. That would have been a good card to be dealt. Instead, those closest to me usually also feel the heat from my expectations. My husband could probably write a dissertation on this and, while I'm aware of this big personality flaw, I'm super consciencious when it comes to my kids and doing the same to them.

The other night (actually over a month ago because I've been putting off dealing with the issues I'm going to write about now) I had dinner with some wonderful other moms of twins. We had fried pickles and excellent conversation. They all knew I was pregnant and during the course of the conversation were asking me different things. Gradually while we were talking I realized I have some serious expectations of this pregnancy and baby I'm carrying. Startled I decided I better get to the bottom of this before the little man arrives because having unrealistic or uncontrollable expectations of yourself during pregnancy and an innocent little baby isn't exactly healthy.

I suppose in some strange way my little Parker is supposed to (in my mind anyway) fix some of the things I wish were different when I was pregnant with Gabby and Lilly. Don't misunderstand me. Compared to the majority of twin pregnancies I've heard of, mine was faily normal, as in they are all tricky and complicted, and ended just about as good as could be expected. However, there were small things along the way that I think I would've changed if I could.

That pregnancy with high-risk and complicated. This one wasn't supposed to be. That pregnancy resulted in pre-term labor issues. This one wasn't supposed to. Gabby and Lilly were born 5 weeks premature and had to stay in the NICU for a little bit. Parker, although not premature at this point, wasn't supposed to have complications that might lead to health issues after birth. Because of G & L's health, people didn't feel they should visit us in the hosital. Parker's birth isn't supposed to come at a time where my family feels torn between two different relatives at different hospitals. G & L didn't nurse.They preferred to sleep next to my chest. Parker is supposed to nurse (even though he's probably going to be so big that I won't be able to keep up with him either!).

Even as I type all of that the ridiculousness is apparent. And no, I didn't decide to have another baby in order to right all the wrongs of my previous pregnancy. I suppose it is safe to admit that I'm still learning that God is in control. You see, I get that down pretty clear and then as the days and weeks go by I slowly start to mentally slide the big man upstairs until the passenger seat as I take over the wheel.

So, after many months of thinking these things through and seeing how this pregnancy unfolded, I've come up with a few conclusions. First, I'm not in control. Ever. Second, my little man is going to be perfect. Even if he is born 12 pounds, with medical issues, never nurses, and isn't visited by a single soul, he is already perfect. And lastly, pregnancy seems to reveal some serious personality flaws in me! The problem: by the time I come out of the newborn phase haze, I'm not even going to remember I need to work on them!

I'm a mess.

As a side note, I have several posts lined up for this week about things we've done to prepare for Parker's arrival: his room, our 'Team Parker' shirts, gifts, etc. I can't wait to share it all with you guys. The big day is still set for February 28th. Only 5 more days until I get to have a son of my own! I'm hoping that sometime between now and then it is revealed to me what exactly one does with a son...my experience in this field is a little minimal. :)