The Backup Plan

In the spirit of honest, here goes.

Recently I saw the movie The Backup Plan. Jennifer Lopez stars in at as a woman who decides that because she is a certain age, but has yet to find Mr. Right, she wants to have a child by whatever means possible on her own. The storyline goes (stop reading here if you don't want me to ruin it) that she gets pregnant by IVF about the same time that Mr. Right comes into her life. Complicated, you see?

Mr. Right starts taking over the role of daddy/support person to Lopez. Then they get the bombshell...it's TWINS! Please keep reading. I am going somewhere with this. A couple months into the pregnancy they are at their wits end with one another and while laying in bed Mr. Right tell her that he can handle everything they are dealing with as long as, and I quote, "you are in there somewhere."

Which got me thinking...Am I still in there somewhere?

Is the old me in the current me?

Did I get lost in the trauma and elation of having twins?

Is the pre-baby momma still in anyone after such a major life event such as becoming a mother regardless of the number of children she has?

You see I have this theory. My husband and I married young and perhaps I'm just trying to justify my actions, but I truly believe that age has little to do with when a person changes. You know how 'experts' always say to wait until you are 30 to get married because you are completely different in your 30s than you are your 20s? I'm just not sure that your actual age has anything to do with it. I wonder if whoever those experts are believe that the changes I've undergone would have happened without having childen...

My theory is that people change as a result of major life events. So whether a person is 25 or 35 when they have children doesn't matter. The event matters. I know that the me I am today would never have evolved unless I had become a mother. Without children, I wouldn't have as much patience, be able to put others first, or be the emotional, weepy, spiritual person I am today. I know that I wouldn't understand beauty or miracles as I do today. I wouldn't appreciate my family for all their support.

On the other hand, if I were 35 without children, I don't think I would be quite so narotic. I probably wouldn't feel the need to control everything quite so much. I also know I wouldn't be as particular (what some might call obsessive) about how my house was cleaned or how clothes were put away in a drawer or how the toilet paper came off the roll on top, not bottom...Did I really just admit that?!?

I bring this up because the past year has been challenging for our family in many ways. We've worked through distance in our marriage, ridden the emotional rollarcoaster of grief over losing a loved one, soul searched about our professional desires, and all the while tried our best to raise our two beautiful girls. And, just for the record, it hasn't been easy. I'm always humbled when people say things like I don't know how you do it or You just make it look so easy. Because most days on the inside I feel like that guy at the circus that has 47 porcelain plates he is spinning on 27 poles, all the while waiting for it all to come crashing to the floor.

That's the point when I wonder Am I really in here somewhere?

I'll be honest and say that without a doubt I completely changed when Gabby and Lilly were born. My priorities shifted and what really mattered in life came into focus. I suppose it would be self-depricating not to say this, but I really like the person I've become. Sure there are a bazillion things I like to change, but overall I feel like I'm on the right path. So I'm left some days trying to reconcile the person I am now with the person I know my husband fell in love with seven-ish years ago. I was never the free-spirited, fly by the seat of my pants person I'd love to be, but I'm even less like that. I am too serious, don't play enough, take on way too much, etc, etc, etc. And for the record he is very different too, but in a good way.

When G & L were born I unconsciously completely checked out of my marriage for about 6 months. Don't get me wrong I didn't do anything bad or blantantly hurtful, I just went into survival mode. I was like Shaun? Who's Shaun? No seriously. That isn't too far from the truth. (Am I the only one or is that a common thing???) At the time I didn't know anything else to do. I stayed at home with my babies, didn't have much interaction with adults, had about 5 hours a sleep a day for about 6 months, and came just this side of breaking down on multiple occasions. And to think you thought I had it all together. Wrong! :)

So when the girls were about 10 months old and my husband in not so many words asked me Are you still in there? I was, for once, without words. I'm not sure what my answer was supposed to be: Yes I am! Don't leave me! No, I'm different and better! Yes and no. I don't know. I'm crazy and need help from a therapist. Stop talking to me Schwan!

And in the crazy circular way of my mind, I still don't know the answer. I suppose I'm still in there. Instead of insisting Shaun and I to go on a walk together daily so we could catch up, I insist that he not go to bed before me so we can talk (and being the semi-narcaleptic he is, he loves this let me tell you...). There are other ways we've learned to stay on the same page with one another while facing this crazy, beautiful thing called life.

Ultimately, I'm not the same person I used to be. I have changed. Alot. But if given the option of living the past two years having changed or not changed, I know what I would chose. I suppose meshing my journey as a mother and a partner to my husband all comes down to grace. We've had to work very hard to give each other grace when it comes to how we've changed, what our new priorities are, and all the itty-bitty-picky things we can't stand about the other. Because in the end, change is one of the certain things all people go through. And although we're very different from the crazy in-love 20 year olds we were, we've decided that spending our days struggling with each other is way better than loving anyone else!