Perhaps I should start with a 'best moment,' but the truth is that life isn't one best moment after another. So I'll begin with a recent trip to the library...
My sweet teacher friend invited the girls and I to the public library for baby story time. Her daughter is a little younger than the girls and just adorable! I was thrilled to have a play date and so we set out!
A little background...when the girls were first born a rarely took them anywhere alone. It was a lot of work and stress, and since Hubs has been there every step of the way, there really wasn't a need to do things by myself. As the girls got older and ate less frequently I started taking them more and more places alone or to meet people for lunch, etc. Once they were mobile, out of infant carriers, and especially now that they are walking, safety has become a big issue. For example, I would never take them to the mall to play unless someone is with me. I don't go to the park alone. Basically, anywhere that they will be walking, I don't go alone. I just don't feel that it is safe because, much to my disappointment, I don't have eyes in the back of my head.
Because I hate the fact that I don't have the freedom to take them places by myself, I decided to try things out with our trip to the library. After I nursed Hubs's feelings about not being invited (he always goes with us, so this was quite a shock), I set out. Story time was great. We were in a smaller room where none of the kiddos could escape. And, I should mention, the girls LOVED it! I think they would sit for hours as long as someone was reading to them.
It was after story time that simply broke my heart. All the mothers and toddlers descended upon this play area. My friend suggested that we hang around and talk and, because I knew the girls would not like simply watching the other children play, I let them out of the stroller. As I looked around, every child was side-by-side with his or her mommy. Every mommy was playing as if there was no other person in the world than their little baby. As I let my sweeties walk away, I was so saddened by the fact that they will never be able to do that with their mommy.
There isn't ever going to be a time when Shaun and I are only responsible for one baby, only playing with one lovey, only paying attention to one girl...our attention will always be divided as long as there is only one of us around.
Partially I am selfishly saddened that I don't get to be with them, but more importantly I am saddened by the fact that, in this gathering, they were the only little toddlers without someone beside them. They didn't have anyone to lead them to an area to play. Or say 'YAY!' when they did something great. They were on their own.
As if that wasn't bad enough, when Miss G was right in the middle of all the babies and mommies she must have realized that I wasn't right beside her. She started screaming. The next couple seconds seemed like 10 minutes. I heard the screams, thought it was my child, took my eyes off Lilly to search for Gabby, spotted her...and instantly saw the looks of the moms around her. They were looking at her and then darting their eyes around the room as if to say, "Alright, where's the deadbeat mom that isn't comforting her child.' Like I said, it was a new low point and a new feeling. I finally got to her and scooped her up. We left the library shortly because I just had enough of this solo outing. While it wouldn't have helped any, I thought later how I would liked to have a chat with those judgemental moms...shouldn't mothers and women in general err on the side of support rather than judgement?
But I digress...
It is a horrible feeling to be so blessed, have so much joy in your heart as a result of your twins, but still feel like you and they are missing out on the little things that a mommy of one baby at a time gets to experience. I mean, hello! I shouldn't be whining and carrying on so. I am incredible fortunate (and, trust me, I wouldn't change my life for anything) but that doesn't negate my thoughts.
Ironically, moms with only one toddler would probably relish at the thought of not having to entertain or be side-by-side with their little one all the time. I guess sometimes the grass does seem greener. Since the birth of Gabby and Lilly, Shaun and I have believe deeply in going out of our way to make their life as normal as possible. Meaning if I would go grocery shopping with one baby, then I'll do it with two. If we would have taken vacations with one little one, then we will do it with two. We feel like it is our responsibility to plan and do whatever it takes in order for our girls to have the same experiences that other children get to participate it. And 99% of the time we don't ever notice a difference.
However, for half a second, at the library I did...
I guess by journaling about this I am trying to find some middle ground between feeling so incredible blessed and slowly realizing day by day what this blessings means for our girls and our family. It means they have a best friend and playmate for life. But a mom and dad to share. It means that as parents we get the priveledge of watching them grow. But realistically will have to divid and conquer at times.
Anyone reading this with more than one child probably understands what I am talking about (and probably thinks I'm having quite the pity party at the moment), and while for the most part you are right, it ought to be said that you got to work up to having two kids. I was a mother of one baby for all of 2 minutes...and, it is safe to say, that wasn't much time!
So, while I'm not sure I will race to do more single outings (where they are out and about) anytime soon, I've decided that there really isn't any disadvantage to Dada joining us. I mean I could be wrong, but I think only good things come from a Dad's involvement.
And lucky for us, we have a hunch Dada will like playing at the library too! :)
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